Tag Archives: Past and present

When you lose someone you love

Regardless of whether you lose someone you love to death, to another country, by choice, as part of a break up (or maybe even while still in the relationship) or to  a disease, the process of grief, anger, hurt, sorrow, frustration and pain is somewhat the same and never easy. It takes time no matter how we twist and turn reality, before we finally reach a stage of acceptance. It can take weeks, months – even years. And some losses we never recover completely.

It can seem strange how life goes on even when you feel like it has stopped; You look out the window and see how people still go to work, pick up their children, go jogging, talk on the phone, laugh and smile. The seasons change, the roses bloom, the grass grows and yet here you are feeling like everything should stop functioning for a while. The void is staring at you and there’s nothing you can’t do to change what has happened. Turning back time is not an option.

Maybe you head down the more destructive route* and start blaming yourself; If only you had been a better partner. If only you had made that call. If only you had been home more. If only you had seen her more. If only you had lost weight. If only you had a better body. If only you had stayed in the country instead of pursuing your dreams. But the fact remains the same; You have lost someone close to you, and as the old saying tends to remind us ‘time will heal your wounds’ (Even though all wounds are not always healed completely.. Sometimes time will simply teach you how to live with them).
*A little note on heading down the destructive route: Please stop! You are exactly as you should be and you did exactly as you should have done. No matter how painful, whatever happened was meant to happen this way. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed it.

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So what can you do to get yourself through it?

First of all, when dealing with sorrow (regardless of the circumstances) try to remind yourself that things could always be worse (read this if you don’t believe me).

When I deal with difficultues I think of three specific people; I think of my grandfather, I think of Lis (read about her here) and last, but not least, I think of a very good friend of mine who gave me excellent advice in my early twenties that has stayed with me ever since.

My grandfather asked me on the day of my confirmation (literally right after returning from church) whether I believed in God. Gotta love his timing! In truth, I wasn’t quite sure, and I think he knew this, so he continued ‘It doesn’t matter what you believe in – as long as you believe in something. Life will be easier on you if you manage to do so‘.
My grandfather was a fantastic man – I loved him dearly. He was also a very religious man, so the surprise of these words have stayed with me ever since. I honestly never thought he would be the one to encourage me to believe in whatever I wanted to believe in. I would have thought that to him there was only one right way of believing. I guess I was wrong.

Perhaps as a direct result of our conversation, I, today, believe in a lot of different things and so I have a hard time putting a specific label on my beliefs. I’ve chosen my favourite parts of a few different religions and mixed them up, added a bit of spirituality (this is where Lis comes in) and know deep down in my gut that my grandparents, who are unfortunately not physically with me any longer, are very much with me every day in spirit – watching over me and making sure that everything happens the way it is supposed to. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I trust that life wants only what is best for me. In other words, I believe that there are no rules when it comes to believing, but I do believe that believing in something bigger than yourself is important – so I do.
If you don’t believe, everything becomes your own responsibility (even the worst things in life), which can severely weigh you down. Although we should always own up to our responsibilities, some things are not meant to land on our shoulders alone. So let it go. If you’re not into religion and don’t wish to be that’s absolutely fine. Just trust that there’s a higher meaning with what happened and that you are being taken care of no matter how painful the process you are going through.

And while you do find yourself going through the pain, anger, sorrow and frustration, take this piece of advice that my good friend gave me several years ago; Make sure you have one great thing to look forward to every single day. It’s a rather simple task, but it’s got a very important purpose; It’s to keep you active and to make certain that you have something good to think about especially right before you go to bed. Going to bed on a positive note heightens your likeliness of waking up with a positive mindset.
It doesn’t matter what this great thing is – as long as it feels good to you. It could be going for a walk in the park. It could be reading a good book. Having coffee with a friend. Going to the zoo. Going for a run. Attending a dance class. Having a drink with someone you haven’t seen for a long time. Visiting a relative. Signing up for an online dating site. Heck – going on a date. Starting up your kitchen garden. Having your hair cut, your nails done – you name it. The important part is that it’s a positive thing to you and that it’s in your calendar (I’m serious – write it down in your calendar). Never go to bed with no plans for the next day. Your plans don’t need to be huge – they just need to be there. At least one great thing a day.

Last, but not least; Focus on the positive – always. Be grateful for what you had and cherish the memories. Time will take care of the rest one way or the other and the sun will rise again, I promise.

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The choice is yours – choose wisely

Are you struggling? Feeling alone? Confused? Do you feel ike you don’t belong? Like you have no clue as to where you’re heading in life? Going through a break-up (or considering one)? Feel let down by people you love? Not being true to yourself? Bored with life? Does it all feel pointless?

One important lesson I’ve learned during my many years of intense self development and search for happiness is that when it comes to how you deal with resistance, the choice is yours – always. You can rarely control what happens to you, but you can definitely control how you react to it. Basically, you can choose to focus on the hurt and pain you’re going through or you can shift your focus slightly (even in the most hardcore cases – check this out) and find that life has so much incredible beauty to offer. It takes a little practice and I’m in no way saying it’s easy, but once you manage to find happiness and gratitude in the middle of pain and suffering, once you learn to dance your way through a storm, you will realise that happiness outshines misery by miles. Every time. It’s all about your choice of focus.

The challenge with emotional pain and suffering is that quite often we tend to find some sort of comfort in these states. It’s familiar. It’s something we know well and it doesn’t demand very much from us. You can just stay under the covers and / or in front of the screen, leave the blinds down, eat poorly and excessively, blame everyone else for what you’re struggling with, let the house remain a mess (or store the mess in millions of boxes somewhere) and give up. Although it doesn’t necessarily feel easy, believe me when I say this is you taking the easy route.

So often in these scenarios we forget to value what should be the most important; our own happiness. Basically, we forget our own value. And a lot of the time we do so because finding the light in darkness can be a difficult and rather demanding task that requires action and, in most cases, will have consequenses.

Self development can be incredibly painful. Sometimes it can even feel unachievable (have a read). It involves a whole lot of soul searching, bravery and being honest with yourself. Particularly the latter is something a lot of people find overwhelming (I know I did – read about it here), as your own honesty doesn’t always connect with what society and surroundings want to make you believe you need.

Taking the necessary steps towards happiness might mean letting go of people, lifestyles and self-perceptions, but believe me when I say that it will be worth it! Do yourself a favour and get a move on.

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How do you want life to be? Happy, healthy and full of passion? Or would you rather stay behind the blinds in fear? The choice is yours. Keep in mind, though, that the longer you wait, the harder the work becomes – and no one can do the work for you. Also, if you choose to ignore it (which might even work for a while) you can be almost 100% sure you will find yourself back here in ‘no mans land’ again and again till you learn the lesson and do something about it. So, in other words, there really is no time like the present. You can do it!

Make sure to follow the links I’ve placed throughout this blog post to get some pointers as to how you can get that self development started (providing you choose to do so, obviously).

Also, don’t forget to follow my blog on social media (links below) to stay tuned for new posts to come. Let’s spark that self development of yours and get you closer to a happier, healthier life.

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Exactly why ‘silence is gold’

We live in a (part of the) world where it’s perceived healthy to discuss our issues – and thank God for that. I’m a huge fan of communication and believe it’s vital to our well being. However, there are times where you should simply stay quiet. Or at least as quiet as possible. There are times where silence can end up being the best thing you ever did for yourself – times when silence is gold.

A very long time ago, in my late teens / early twenties, I had a boyfriend I was very much in love with. It got to the point where some would say I was obsessed. I more or less kissed the ground he walked on! (He’s been mentioned before – you can catch up here). It turns out he and our relationship had incredible amounts of life lessons to teach me. One of which I’ll let you in on here.

During our first year together he went backpacking in Asia for 3 months with one of his best friends. We were so in love at the time that I was never in doubt that we would make it. I sent him packages wherever he went, with love letters, candy, mixed tapes and what not (my toes are curling up as I write this). In addition to this he purchased a mobile phone while traveling and so we spoke daily for a minimum of 30 minutes (oooohhhh the phone bill!). I felt that I was very much a part of his trip and, quite frankly, that was probably the issue. He was supposed to be backpacking with his friend, living in the moment. Instead, he was constantly on the phone with his clingy and insecure girlfriend. Hardly ideal.

Long story short, one night he cheated on me. I woke up with a pounding heart that night – I knew something was off. I called him excessively, but he didn’t pick up till the following day where he was sad, upset and so incredibly ready to ‘go home’ that I was surprised. He was homesick and missed me. Although I loved the obvious display of affection, I kept asking him if something had happened, but he said no. All was good, he was just fed up – I ended up believing him. I tried, at least. You see, my instincts kept telling me something was wrong. I eventually became slightly paranoid. I kept asking him about particularly one of the girls I knew they had partied with and he kept denying that anything had happened between them. With time his story changed slightly here and there, but his message stayed the same; nothing had happened.

When he returned to Denmark we even had arguments about it. He kept telling me that I needed to trust him and that we wouldn’t make it as a couple if I didn’t. So I tried letting it go. But it haunted me – even in my dreams!

One day he left me. To be fair, this was inevitable regardless of what he had done, as our balance was probably as off as could be at this point, but it still felt like the breakup came out of the blue. He left and it destroyed me completely. A few weeks later I found out he had hooked up with the girl he met and partied with in Thailand and was seeing her now. Still, he stuck to his story – nothing had happened between them till after we broke up. I hated him. I hated her. I shut the door with a bang (and then I cried every single time I was alone because I missed him so much).

A few weeks later he wanted me back and although I did what I could to stay away from him, he had a power over me that kept me around. We dated for a little while, but I was too hurt to stay in it. Eventually, I left him.

Not long after this, I met my ex’s backpacking buddy at a Christmas party and asked him (casually, as if it were no big deal) exactly what had happened back then in Thailand. He gave me a completely new story. A story that didn’t connect with my ex’s at all and boom! That was it. I called up my ex and let him know exactly what I thought of ‘people like him’. I cried, was angry and said words I didn’t even know I knew. He tried to apologise, but I didn’t understand half of it due to his sobbing. Eventually I hung up and made my way home. But the story doesn’t finish here. On my way home, I called everyone I could think of that I knew had cheated at one point or the other. I’m not kidding. My real low point was when I, in a public bus, called up a guy from high school that I hadn’t seen or spoken to for several years at the time just to tell him off on behalf of myself and all women who had ever been wronged! This particular memory makes me smile today, but believe me when I say I wasn’t smiling then. Poor guy.

Now, you would think I would have had a moral hangover the following day, but I actually didn’t. I was still so hurt and angry! I did everything in my power to turn everyone against my ex – ‘the cheater’. I spoke to literally anyone who was ready to listen. The whole world knew my story in no time. He was a bastard and I was an angel. End of.

Even now, writing these words, I’m slightly embarrassed by the extent I took things to. But what was worse (back then, anyway) was that I destroyed the possibility of ever mending our relationship, which, deep down, was what I really wanted…

He called me every day, crying and apologising. He showed up in the middle of the night just to give me a present and leave again. He did everything in his power to show me that he was a changed man and tried to win me back. I did nothing but turn him away. At least, I turned him away till we ended up back together again a few months later. But this time it was different. The power had shifted – I was in charge. What’s more; No one knew a thing about it! I was so embarrassed! All our surroundings knew what he had done to me, yet here I was, back with ‘the cheater’. Had I no self respect?! I didn’t tell my friends and family that I was seeing him again. I mean, what would they think? What would they say? When they called and I was with him, I’d pretend I was alone. He told me later on that this broke his heart every time, but he put up with it because he still felt guilty. I treated him badly and he let me do so as he was so full of remorse.
Needless to say, our relationship didn’t work out and eventually we ended it (although the drama continued for years to come, but that’s a different story).

Now, why this story? As I mentioned earlier, I learnt so many life lessons with him, of which several of them are actually present here – one way or the other. However, the focus today is on this one; speech is silver, silence is gold.

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Once my initial anger had calmed, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted so badly to get back to where we were prior to his mistake in Thailand. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because for one, I wasn’t mature enough to see that I had played a massive part in the reason he cheated. However, I particularly didn’t manage to forgive him, because I was constantly reminded of what he had done by simply being around friends and family. You see, everybody knew. Every single person around me knew.

Now, if I had been clever, I would have either kept it all to myself (and gone through the 10 steps you can find here) or maybe shared it with one or two people (tops) who would be open minded enough to NOT take sides and maybe even play the devil’s advocate and make me see the role I, myself, had played in the whole thing. Instead, I shared it with literally anyone willing to listen and, I guess, my favourite audience were the people who were 100% on my side as they would bad mouth him as much as I did. I told family, friends and strangers – I even involved his friends! And this was exactly how I doomed the chances of ever getting what I really wanted, which was to be with him.

Now, if you have gone through a breach of trust with someone you love recently (it could be anything – doesn’t have to be infidelity), do yourself a favour. First of all read this. Second – remember that silence in your case just might be gold. I’m not saying you can never tell anyone what happened. I’m saying wait. Wait till you know exactly what YOU want, before you doom anything, Forgiving is so much easier (and so much more achievable) if not everyone knows what has happened. Remember, we are all human, and humans mess up. Also, keep in mind that it takes 2 to tango – could it be that you are partly to blame for what happened?

If you do choose to involve someone, make sure you choose the right person / people. Sometimes the right people aren’t the ones you think they would be… It’s all about finding someone who is capable of not judging (any of you), staying somewhat objective and maybe even being able to turn the table and help you see the other side of the story. Someone who understands that people are people and we all have flaws. We all make mistakes.

Only you know what’s right to do and sometimes a breach of trust is irreparable. However, make sure you give yourself the time required to make your mind up as to how you would like to move forward. And while giving yourself this time, remember that in this case, silence just might be gold.

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10 crucial steps when hurt or angry

Have you been hurt recently? Do you feel left out by someone? Neglected? Misunderstood? Unloved? Are you angry? Sad? Feeling powerless? We all go through these emotions at one point or another and the degrees vary massively according to circumstances. Personally, this has been one of the areas of self-development where I have evolved the most over the years (which I am incredibly thankful for). My former pattern of dealing with emotional pain was rather explosive and so I would tend to end up in very unpleasant and quite often incredibly dramatic situations as a direct result. I have since found a strategy that has worked wonders for me and continues to do so when dealing with emotional hurt or anger. Would you like to know the 10 crucial steps when hurt or angry? Keep reading.

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  1. Remove yourself from the situation
    Don’t ever confront straight away when you are emotionally wired. When you’ve just been hurt, chances are you won’t be thinking clearly and you might end up saying a lot of things that don’t help the situation in any way. Keep in mind that you can’t reverse what you’ve said, so be clever and start by removing yourself from the situation. Go to the toilet, go for a walk, go home, close down your computer /leave your phone (if it was an email or a text) or find a different escape.
  1. Breathe
    When your emotions are all over the place you’ll probably be breathing in a shallow way, which doesn’t give you the oxygen your brain requires to function in a rational manner. Rational is what we want, so breathe.
    Take some deep breaths. I like to inhale while counting to four slowly and then I exhale in the same pace (this super simple breathing technique actually works wonders in most situations, so it would be a good idea to make a note of it). Keep going till these slow, deep breaths become natural.
  1. Write it down
    This might seem rather old fashioned, but writing down what you would say to the person right here and now can be a great way of getting it out of your system without doing damage. The thing to keep in mind here is to never send, email or text what you have written. You are writing these things in order to gain perspective – nothing else. So write it all down with nothing holding you back. Let go. Write exactly what’s on your mind. You can do this as a letter or simply a brainstorm – just make sure you get whatever is hurting you out of your system.
  1. Take a break / sleep on it
    This one is probably one of the most important steps in this guide. Take. A. Break. Do something completely different for a little while. If you can, postpone doing any more about this today – sleep on it. However, if you must confront today, take a break first; Do the laundry, the dishes, homework, go to the gym, go for a run, have a nap, go for a walk, go grocery shopping, paint, sew – anything! (Personally, I prefer activities where I remove myself from home and get my pulse going – exercise raises the happiness levels dramatically and usually ends up changing my perspective on things). Try to not think of anything while doing this, but if you must, then make sure you let your thoughts come and go. Acknowledge that they are there and leave them be, so to speak. Don’t do anything about them.
  1. Analyse
    Why did the person act as he / she did? What’s going on in his / her life at the moment? Is there a background to this whole story that you might not know so much about? If you know anything about this person’s upbringing, value, friends or family, can this have affected what happened earlier? Is the person stressed? Jealous? Keep coming up with more questions and answer them as well as you can. The thing is, you can never know exactly what’s going on inside another human being, but usually, you can come pretty close, and by doing so you get closer to gaining an understanding of why everything happened as it did, which will make it easier for you to confront in a constructive way.
  1. Status
    Having gone through all the former steps, where are you now? Try reading the result of step 3 – are these still your feelings and thoughts? Without knowing, my guess would be that you are probably not as angry or hurt as you were earlier on. Maybe the reason for confrontation no longer exists? (In which case congratulations! Your work here is done.) By performing the 5 steps prior to this one, you have created a huge advantage. If you confront someone with understanding and calmness, you will get your message through much clearer and will in most circumstances be met with more positivity and empathetic emotions. Chances are the whole thing will be resolved much faster than you thought or, at least, that the person will be more open to what you’re saying than you ever would have imagined.
  1. Plan your confrontation: Format
    Would you like to write a letter, text, make a phone call, meet up with the person? This is a very personal choice and quite often it’s decided for us – e.g. it’s not always easy to meet up with someone who lives half way across the world. However, keep in mind that the written word is more often than not misunderstood. Depending on who you’re confronting, it might still be the best way to go though. Was the person stressed? Maybe best to write down what you have to say so the person can read it in his / her own time. Personally I prefer confronting face to face. When we communicate, about 70% of our communication is in our body language, so if you meet up it will be a lot easier for both of you to really understand each other. Just make sure you keep the whole thing calm. Research show that as soon as you start screaming and shouting at each other, you no longer actually hear one another. All you react to is body language….and let’s face it. Angry body language is never a pleasant sight.
  1. Plan your confrontation: Avoid starting sentences with the word ‘you’
    A general, very wise, rule when speaking to others is avoiding the start of a sentence with the word ‘you’. Another way to put it is ‘don’t point fingers’. You have absolutely no idea what’s going on on the other side of the ball court – stick to your own side. E.g. instead of saying ‘you are not interested in what’s going on in my life at all’, you could say ‘I feel like my life has no importance on your list of priorities’. Do you see the difference? Another example could be ‘You don’t love me’ as apposed to ‘I become unsure of whether you love me when you do this’. If you start with ‘I’ you’re staying on your side of things and the person you’re confronting will most likely not have the same urge to defend him- / herself if you’re not attacking (which you very easily could be by starting the sentences with ‘you’).
  1. Plan your confrontation: Ask questions
    There’s a very good chance that you have no idea what’s going on in the other person’s life. You could easily have misunderstood the whole thing. E.g. I once received a gift that seemed rather expensive from my ex mother-in-law. When saying thank you, I used the words ‘this is far too much – you shouldn’t have’. Her reply was ‘Maybe it was a bit too much, actually.’ Auch. I was hurt. Why did she give me the present in the first place if this was how she felt about it? Unfortunately I never got to ask the following question; ‘What did you mean when you said that?’ – I really wish I had. Because (as a friend of mine pointed out to me afterwards) she might have meant that she didn’t want me to feel bad about receiving something so expensive. What I heard though was ‘you’re not worth that much money’, but in reality she probably just didn’t want me to feel bad about receiving it in the first place.
    Another example; Recently I found myself texting a friend of mine several times without getting a reply. I was hurt and felt like he didn’t care about me as he was obviously trying to avoid my question. I then wrote ‘how come you’re not answering me?’ and he immediately replied and apologised with a very, very good excuse after which he answered my question and all was good. So, in short, ask questions. Whatever happened might have been meant in a very different way than how you perceived it.
  1. Follow through
    You’ve done all the steps – it’s time to follow through. Actually confronting someone can be a very overwhelming step – especially if you, as most people, fear rejection and / or confrontation for that matter. But believe me, it’s worth it. How can we ever know what’s going on with each other if we don’t speak up? Read this, if you need a little push. Go for it. Confront the person that hurt you and remember that there are so many misunderstandings out there every day. This just might be one of them.

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Good luck. ❤️

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The painful truth

You know that feeling of complete annoyment when your superior is bossing you around? Or when you get annoyed because it’s as if your partner has lost his / her spark – life has become booooring? Or when you feel like the girl from class is being such a bimbo (while trying to get the cute guy’s attention)? Or how you can sometimes hardly stand the fact that you are related to a specific person? How your father / brother / sister / mother says these awkward things in public? How they draw too much embarrassing attention? Why can’t everyone just be a bit more like you, right? Here’s the deal. Here’s the painful truth; They are. They are exactly like you.

All these actions / people represent a side of you that you are not at peace with. Let’s take the example with your superior. Any chance you could be slightly jealous of this person? Deep down inside, do you wish you were the boss? Or, could it be that you, yourself, are bossing someone else around and being rather unpleasant?
And moving on to the example with your partner having lost his / her spark. Before you start pointing fingers and telling your loved one how incredibly dull life has become in his / her presence, have a look within. How’s your own spark doing? Do you wake up every morning excited about the day ahead? Do you enjoy what you do for a living? Have you got a great hobby and fantastic friends that you socialise with? Making you happy and sparking your spark is not your partner’s responsibility – it’s yours. So next time your partner annoys you ask yourself whether you are annoyed with your partner or with yourself?
And what about the girl from class getting all the attention? Slightly jealous, are we? Why not go for some attention of your own? Or is the issue rather that you act exactly like her (maybe even worse) when in a similar situation?
Last, but not least, the awkward relative; Is this person in reality saying or doing what you would have said or done? Do you, in all honesty, resemble this person? Or could it be that you used to resemble this person (you probably still do – just saying..) and have been told to stop doing so by a partner, a different relative or a friend, which is why you can’t stand when these ‘forbidden’ actions happen?

We are all born whole in every way. Look at babies! They are perfect and flawless. They never get embarrassed. They do exactly as they feel like doing exactly when they feel like doing it. Then they grow older and in come the surroundings to teach them what is right and wrong. Society, friends, family – they all have a say in how this little person turns out.
So what were your surroundings like? It is inevitable that you at some point have been told to stop doing something in a particular way or that you have been told you should always behave in a certain manner. The right manner. Obviously.
Keep in mind when digging up the past that these people who have had a say in how you turned out have (hopefully) all done what they did the best way they knew how. And no matter how well they did, nobody is ever perfect! They did as they believed was right and acted the best way they were capable of, so this isn’t about starting ‘the blame game’. The past is brilliant, as it can help us understand the present. But then that’s that. Once you’ve discovered what you need to discover, leave the past in the past and focus on today.

The-secret-of-change-is-to-focus-all-of-your-energySo, what can you learn from your past? What have you been told to stop doing? What have you been taught was right and wrong? And do you, as an adult, agree?

Right now, this very minute, you decide. You set your own limits and your own rules. So if there’s something you’re not happy with, have a look within and try to figure out what it is. Once you know what sparks your annoyment, accept that this is a part of you and make a conscious effort to either do something about it or remove yourself from the situation. But never blame the person who sparked the feeling in the first place. You are an adult – how you behave and what you feel and think is all your own responsibility. It’s true that you can not (always) control what happens to you – but you can definitely control how you react to it.

Your surroundings are reflections of you. Accept them as they are, use them as a mirror and concentrate on yourself and your own development. Once you do this, you will find that the truth doesn’t have to be quite as painful after all.

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