Tag Archives: Life lessons

I love you

I have now been blogging for a month! To celebrate, I hereby give you one of my most ‘wacky’ meetings with spirituality, but also one of my absolutely most important ones.
I love telling this story to people who know me well, as they always end up laughing several times through it and yet they actually get the point once I reach the end. Hopefully you will do the same.

In my early twenties I was severely heartbroken. To a degree where I actually think I went a bit crazy for a little while. You see, I had built my life around a boyfriend and truly believed we would get married, have children and all of the things connected to that picture. It started out as a beautiful love story. The kind where you’re so much in love that you can hardly breathe. I specifically remember telling my mother about him (about a week in), while spreading my arms out and float-flying around the kitchen in my childhood home. I was struck. Big time. And, to my big surprise, so was he.

As you have probably figured out by now our love didn’t last forever. One day I came home from college and there he was, on the couch, pretty much in the same spot I had left him during our morning fight. He was crying and, bless him, he had tried to paint his feelings in order for me to understand exactly what was going on inside him. Bottom line was that he wasn’t ready for all of it and I was – he felt trapped. Looking back, I really can’t blame him. I was so incredibly dependent on him that I have to say I’m quite impressed he didn’t leave sooner. I actually planned my week according to his schedule. Yes, it was that bad.

Nevertheless, he left me, and my life froze completely. Nothing functioned and I spent most of my time crying and wondering whether life was really worth living. With time though I did become rather good at socialising and partying especially, but when I was alone I was devastated and life made no sense to me. I remember I actually found partying to be a great escape from it all, right till the next morning when my feelings caught up with me and the hangover somehow made everything even worse. I lost a lot of weight, smoked way to many cigarettes and I was miserable!

One day a friend of mine told me about a man she knew called Dan. A healer. This was the first time I heard of one such and I found the whole thing fascinating (also, I had no better idea as to how I was to leave my own pity party). Apparently this guy had just opened up a place close to where I lived – an event space / studio / healer spot (oh yes, many hats) and my friend had been hired to play the piano at a Christian Healing Ceremony that was to take place in the large event space (as she’s an Atheist, I’m still not quite sure what that was all about).  She asked whether I’d like to come along that night, so I could meet Dan and speak to him about potential healing. Besides, she wasn’t really sure what she had gotten herself involved in so as I had nothing better to do I decided to be a good friend and off we went.

It was Wednesday evening and we laughed all the way there, prepared for a whole lot of ‘Hallelujah’ and talk of God (can I just say that none of us have anything against religion, I’m just not particularly religious myself and my friend is, as mentioned, an Atheist). However, I swear, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience…

The Christian Healing Ceremony itself was surreal to say the least. I have no doubt, that if this is your thing, these ladies would be your heroes. However, as Dan’s huge event space was completely new the Healing Ceremony was the first of its kind and the audience was very limited. As in, we were 4 people in the audience. 2 of them were Dan and me, who weren’t supposed to be there in the first place – the other two were a couple of siblings who had apparently both experienced quite severe drama in their lives recently. To say that the place felt rather empty would be an understatement, but they went ahead with it anyway and the siblings took turns going to the stage to receive healing. Yes, there was quite a lot of Hallelujah going on, and I just sat there, stunned and unsure of what I was seeing.
Towards the end of the ceremony one of the healers turned to me and asked me whether I wanted to receive healing. She specifically said ‘I know you’re reluctant, and that’s completely ok. However, you need it and would be doing yourself a favour’. Aha. Right. Well, what did I have to lose?  If you’re in doubt – say yes, right? So I went up there. Besides, saying no would have been rude at this point.
The very nice lady asked me whether I believed in Jesus. ‘Uhm… Undecided’, I replied. I could hardly tell her that I was only there to meet Dan now, could I? She told me that Jesus loved me anyway and that he was there for me. This is the last of our conversation I remember. Suddenly tears were streaming down my face and I felt weightless. My legs seemed to somewhat dissapear beneath me and I sort of blacked out (although, as it turns out, I was standing straight all along). The whole thing felt like it lasted a matter of seconds, but it definitely lasted a lot longer than that.
I eventually turned around to walk back to my seat only to find that Dan stood right behind me! For some reason, this seemed natural at the time, but as he wasn’t part of the ‘show’ he really had no business on that stage. He told me later, that he could tell that the other healer needed help up there. That he had never seen so much negative energy escape a person before and so he had run up on stage to help her remove it. Alrighty then.

So, this was my first healing experience. My second healing experience came to me the same night, straight after the first one. The healer in question this time was Dan. It was rather late (10pm) yet he asked me whether I would like to have a session immediately – and so I followed him to his healer room and we had a chat. The next thing I know I’m crying like a baby on his healer table while struggling to say the following words to myself: ‘I love you, Katrine’. I just couldn’t get the words out. I tried and tried, but something was blocked.

Here’s a little background info for you: All through my childhood I was reminded daily that I wasn’t good enough. I was constantly criticized and never completely accepted in my home, which I guess taught me to look for love everywhere else but within (something I have forgiven a long time ago, but these were the facts I was faced with and the challenges I needed to overcome). I was always sad and cried a lot – until I found my freedom outside the house. When I was with friends it all seemed easier. My friends became family. Generally speaking I was a peoples person, and I found myself ‘there’ for pretty much anyone whenever needed. I could easily relate to pain, and I felt love and acceptance when I was helping them. Basically, I lived for everybody but myself. I was a people pleaser and did everything in my power to make my surroundings like me. So, when my rock-star of a first real love left me I felt absolutely worthless. I was 22 years old and hated my own guts. Everything I had been told during my childhood had come true – of course he didn’t want me! I believed I would never ever be happy again and I was literally unable to say those three basic and ever so important words to myself; ‘I love you’.

see your worth

Back to the story: The healing session was over and I found myself on my bike heading home a little past midnight. Copenhagen was silent and I was alone in the darkness. I had spent 2 hours on Dan’s healing table and the only thing I could remember from this session was the fact that I had cried from start to finish and was unable to say ‘I love you, Katrine’.
I could hardly recognise myself in the mirror when I came home. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and puffy – I looked awful. And I didn’t care. I went straight to bed and fell asleep before my head even hit the pillow.

Next day, Thursday, I was a complete zombie. I felt like I was surrounded by fog and that I was moving in slow motion. I went to classes and spoke to people, but when I came home I didn’t remember a thing. My body was heavy, exhausted and completely drained. I have no recollection of what else happened that day, apart from this; I repeated Dan’s ‘I love you’ exercise right before I went to bed. I had promised him to do so every night before I fell asleep and he had promised me that I would be able to complete it one day.

Friday I woke up in a better mood than I had ever in my life experienced before. I was high! I was flying! Huge amounts of weight had been lifted off my shoulders and life was smiling at me. I remember standing on the balcony in the sun, breathing deeply with a huge smile on my face. I was on my way – I would get there one day. I was learning to love myself.
Believe me when I say, that this was the beginning of a true and amazing love story. My own love story. A love story that no one can mess with and a love story I continue to work on every single day.

The thing about life is that the only person you know will always be with you is yourself. Some people find this fact sad, others find it reassuring. Regardless, this means that the one place you should always be able to find love is from within yourself.
We all need love – no matter what we’ve been through. So, if you haven’t done this already, how about starting up your own gorgeous love story right now? Dan’s recipe can be found below, but feel free to create your own or see a healer, a therapist or anyone else who will be able to help you find your way.

The recipe for Dan’s ‘I love you’ exercise (min. 30 minutes required):

  1. Get comfortable. Lie on a bed, a couch, the floor – you decide. What’s important is that you’re on your back and not bothered by any sounds or things around you. Close your eyes. Place your right hand on your belly – solar plexus, to be precise. Place your left hand over your heart. Relax.
  2. Take deep, slow breaths and let your body get heavy. Concentrate on one body part at a time; Relax your toes (one at a time), your heels, your feet, your ankles, your calves, your knees, your thighs, your abdomen, your hips, your belly, your chest, your shoulders, your upper arms, your elbows, your lower arms, your palms, your fingers (one at a time), your neck, your jaw, your lips, your nose, your cheeks, your eyes, your forehead, your ears, your scalp.
  3. Now, imagine that you are standing inside your head. That you are standing right behind your forehead waiting for an elevator to arrive. It’s up to you to decide what you are wearing and what the elevator looks like. What’s important here is that you wait for the elevator – it will get to you eventually.
  4. Once the elevator reaches you, step inside and push ‘down’. Now imagine how this elevator slides down your forehead, your nose, your lips, your chin, your neck, your collarbone, your chest, and eventually stops at your heart.
  5. Once you reach your heart the elevator doors will open and you can step out. Look at your heart; see it beating – so beautiful and full of life. Now, in your own time, say ‘I love you (your name)’. Repeat. Tell yourself again and again, till you feel you have truly understood the message. Hug your heart if you like – nurture it.
  6. When you’re ready, step back into the elevator, let the doors close and push ‘up’. Now feel how you’re journey back to your head takes you via your chest, your collarbone, your neck, your chin, your lips, your nose and eventually stops in your head.
  7. Step out of the elevator and let yourself slowly come back to your senses.

I was instructed to do this exercise right before I fell asleep each night, but if you find there’s a better time during the day for you to do this, go for it.

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Life lessons in disguise

During my first session with Lis (not sure who Lis is? Read about her here), she asked me what the meaning of my life was. Just like that. ‘What’s the meaning of your life, Kat – Why are you here?’ What does one answer to a question like that? I remember thinking something along the lines of ‘Let’s be frank, if I could answer that question easily, I’m quite sure all the hard working philosophers of all times would get pretty annoyed.’ However, striving to be the good student in this ‘the school of life’, I obviously gave it a shot; ‘Uhm.. To help others?’
Lis smiled; ‘No. Just like the rest of us, you are here to learn.’ Simple. After several sessions I realised what she was trying to tell me with this:

Have you ever noticed how you’re constantly faced with the same challenges again and again? The setting and the people might change, but the actual challenge is the same?

A typical scenario would be dating the wrong people / being in the wrong relationship: Always chasing? Never being chased? Or slightly claustrophobic due to constant phone calls from this person?
How about work? Constantly in a role where someone is being nasty to you? Or do you find you hate waking up to go there in the first place (and are you feeling like this about your fifth job in a row now)?
Always in conflicts with your friends? Never lose the weight you were hoping to get rid of? Do your kids / partner / friends not respect a ‘no’?

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Especially during my early / mid 20’s I found myself pretty much chasing every date I had. Truth be told I did have a few dates where the guy ended up chasing me (even worse), but most of the time I did the chasing. It wasn’t because I necessarily believed this was the man I would marry – I just wanted the chance to find out whether he could be.

Most of my friends were in steady relationships during these years, moving in with their partners, having children, tying the knot and I was just never part of that scenario. I was always quite a few steps behind; single, confused and often heartbroken. I blamed the men for being ‘bad guys’, my parents for being divorced and thus not being proper role models, my friends for not being supportive – you name it. I played the part of the victim, that’s for sure. Thinking back, I really don’t miss my 20’s (although they were a lot of fun too) – but they were so incredibly necessary. I learnt so many lessons during these years, and this was definitely one of them. You see, I was always, generally speaking, focused on what everyone else was doing. It never occurred to me that I should rather focus on myself.

When dating it was all about the men; How great they were, how interesting, how beautiful, how talented, how mysterious. I would find something that fascinated me and then I would obsess about it! It would consume me completely. And, basically, I would end up scaring them off.
The worst part was that I, at some point down the line, became fully aware of the fact that I was pushing them away, but I just couldn’t control my obsession. I would even start ‘playing the game’ by deliberately not calling them (obviously hoping this would make them call me) – but I would still think of them 24/7. I would plan our future in my mind and imagine what our babies would look like (ok, I might not go that far, but you get the picture). Here’s the deal: Relationships don’t only work physically, they also very much work on a mental level. Energies reveal so much more than one would think. Bad luck 20-something Kat.
The men I was obsessed about were not stupid. I could play any game I wanted – they very well knew that I was still around. It wasn’t till I literally gave up (or met someone new I could obsess about) that they would give me a call or send a text – and at this point I would either not care any longer or the whole nightmare would start over. (I have actually created a theory about this, which I’ll write a post about later on, so stay tuned here on facebook, twitter or instagram.)
Looking back it was the same painful experience again and again. I so obviously had something to learn.

It wasn’t till I started focusing on my own well being that things changed. I started working out, quit smoking, found the right course at university, got a few really interesting internships that took up all my attention, got a job with an employer that was no less than amazing and found a genuine interest in eating healthy. Now, all of this didn’t mean everything magically fell into place over night, but I was on the right track and, most importantly, I put myself first. Finally.

So, if you’re finding that you’re constantly faced with the same challenges, there’s definitely a lesson in there for you somewhere. Search and you will find. Scary boss? Is it time for you to stand up for yourself? Maybe your job description isn’t right for you? Would you be better off having more responsibility? Constantly chasing others? Maybe it’s time you put all that attention on yourself instead? Not losing the weight you need to lose? Are you truly doing everything you can?

In the end, most of these scenarios are triggered if you don’t have enough self-love (there’s a reason why clichés become clichés). Maybe you were never taught how to love yourself. Maybe your role models weren’t the best they could have been in your eyes. Maybe your thoughts are mainly negative (in which case read this). Regardless of the excuse you come up with for this one, the good news is that your life is yours. The future is now. Don’t get hung up on the past. Take what you can from it and change it so you can live the life you want to live. Maybe try this exercise for starters? You are the only one responsible from here on – so take this responsibility seriously and do something about it.

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